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stuff and things. [19 Jul 2004|02:41pm]
new journal.
cuz of stuff.
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[04 Jul 2004|01:15am]
The first of the picture albums....
The Picture Album!Collapse )

Yaaaaay ok now that thats over...

Favorite Shows The Brak Show, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sealab 2021, Hellsing, Trigun, Cowboy Bebop, Record of Lodoss War, Howard Stern, Late night with Conan O'Brian (and that makes him way more wicked)

Least favorite food Hair Gel (refer to short entry http://www.livejournal.com/users/jewnuts/6948.html )
7 comments|post comment

To: Me, From: Yourself [02 Jul 2004|07:00pm]
[ mood | Fair/Hopefull ]

List of To-Do things that I've procrastinated.
I will get them done! Because I have to improve the way things are going.
Tomorrow I will...
-Get information on how-to-get-a-Learners Permit from the DMV
-Apply For Drivers Ed. Classes
-Apply For a Job, my options are; Subway, Harvest Fair, Mc Donalds, Burger King.
-Get Cell phone charger replaced
-Glasses Perscriptions

This CD is for Erica because these are bands she wants to hear and so I'm burning a few songs of theirs onto Discs.
CD for Erica
Bloodbrothers - Guitarmy
Bloodbrothers - Ambulance vs Ambulance
Sondre Lerche - Days That Are Over
Sondre Lerche - Two Way Monologue
Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges
Bright Eyes -  Now i dont know when but a Daisys gonna come
Cursive - Sink to the beat
Cursive - The Recluse
Azure Ray - New Resolution
Azure Ray -  If you Fall
Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Belle & Sebastian - I'm a Cluckoo
Ben Kweller - Sha Sha
Ben Kweller - On My Way
Death Cab For Cutie - Title and Registration
Death Cab For Cutie - Expo '86
Death Cab For Cutie - We Looked Liked Giants
The Postal Service - Recycled Air
The Postal Service - Such Great Heights

Shirt Wishes...
Smashing Pumpkins Shirt...Small
Mindless Self Indulgence Shirt...Large
Radiohead Shirt...Medium
The Mars Volta Shirt... Small

CD Wishes...
-The Paper Chase (oh and they're having a show!)
Not in any Record and Tape Traders! ^
-And you will know us by...The Trail of Dead - The Secret of Elena's Tomb*....-Source Tags and Codes....-Relative Ways
Record and Tape Traders Towson!^

* I realy want The Secret of Elena's Tomb because.. I have 'crowning of a heart' stuck in my head.
I dont feel like noting to myself anymore. See you in the mirror. ta

1 comment|post comment

A few things about me. [01 Jul 2004|07:33pm]
[ mood | Fairly Swell ]

Movies: Fight Club, Pulp Fiction,  American History X, American Beauty, The Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness, Dawn of the Dead, Adaptation, Requiem For a Dream, Edward Scissor Hands, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Sleepy Hollow, Benny and Joon, Blow, The Boondock Saints, Donnie Darko, Party Monster, The Count of Monte Cristo, Clerks, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Ninja Turtles (1, 2, and 3), Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Dead Poets Society, Empire Records, Equilibrium, Back to The Futue (all), Interview with the Vampire, Ressurection, Natural Born killers.

Music: The Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, The Cure,  Radiohead, Bright Eyes, Cursive, The Faint, Orgy, The Bloodbrothers, Iron and Wine, Trail of Dead, Death Cab for Cutie, Franz Ferdinand, Acid Bath, Sondre Lerche, Ben Kweller, Basement Jaxx, Rasputina, The Mars Volta, Silverchair, The Prodigy, Placebo, Weezer.

Interests: Art, Music, Movies, Photography, Computers, Anthropology, Psychology, Sociology

6 comments|post comment

Adaptation [26 Jun 2004|01:59am]
[ mood | Semi-Thoughtful and Inquisitive ]

Do Yourself a Favor.
Adapt to every situation of your life to make the best of it.  Let go of your past and make the most of the present. I'm tired of seeing people pulling their hair about something bad thats happened in the past.
Wasting Time on The Past>Crying about the past isnt going to make ANYTHING better. When you cry, become depressed, angry, or dwell on past problems and events: You aren't going to change the past, you aren't going to make yourself feel better, you aren't going to make your problems go away, you arent going to fix your problems, or do ANYTHING productive!  All you do when you cry about the past is: ruin your day, bring the people around you down, bring yourself down, drain your energy, give yourself a headache, and WASTE YOUR FUTURE!

The more time you spend thinking about the past, the more of your future you're wasting. You're spending your future thinking about the past that does nothing but refer to the above.
So you're wasting your life dwelling on  shit that doesnt matter anymore when you could be doing something productive that could help your situation and your entire life!
The more you live the closer to death you are, so why waste your present life being down about the pointless, useless past? Theres no reason! You're attached to your past, you have a strong grip on your pain/past!

You need to librate yourself from your past and from yourself
Fuck your past, its over, its gone, get over it, you've got the rest of your life: Dont ignore and waste the rest of your life on your past life!
I also want to go over a little something while on the topic of librating yourself form yourself and your past. The viel of emotion that you look through filters and distorts true reality. Your personal experiences rise emotion, and emotion distrots your judgement on life. The next time you want to judge or think about anything, put aside all emotions, all memories and experiences, and dont let anything become a distorting viel infront of your perception. Too many people are retarded in the way of which they can only see things from one point of view, that being their personal one.

BUT-... since I'm not energetic enough to continue writing, I will finish this entry at a laterrrrrrrrrrr time. Peace Out Cub Scout.
Now, it is 12:55 PM, and I, the man of the hour will drag this Entry on and make any points that I havent. Though to be honest. i want to leave it like this. As a Matter of Fact, I'm going to work on a new one, a very...impressive one. The End.


10 comments|post comment

[21 Jun 2004|01:18am]
[ mood | calm ]

Lets see, I've been talking to Cherry more often, we cleaned the slate. 'Turns out we've got more in common than
we could've assumed, its a shame I ignored her and was an ass to her for so long. Oh well, thats all in the past,
so theres more room in the future.  Anyway, I went to the movies and saw Dodgeball with Adrianne and Angelo.
Then we went to Lake Front.
Mellow cool night.
Lets see, schools out and I ended it nicely.  I got Sigur Ros' ( ), I also got Acid Bath's Paegan Terrorism Tactics and
Desperacido's Read Music Speak Spanish.
I'm waiting for an order of mine to come in the mail, and in my upset, I'm afraid I ordered something I shouldnt have...
It says Vinyl because it means Vinyl
Its a vinyl boxset. I just realized that I think that its all going to be on... vinyls... not CDs... but.... Vinyls... like... records...
I hope not, i really fucking hope not. I dont care for Vinyls and I dont want anything Vinyl. What the fuck was I thinking....
Tell me if YOU think they're going to be vinyl or not...
Yeah... theyre vinyl. Oh fuck me. Well i do have an old record player... Im going to try to cancel the order or something.

mm.. Yeah, Im going to go watch some pirated version of harry potter 3 now.

Peace out cub scout.

2 comments|post comment

[21 Jun 2004|12:13am]
[ mood | blah ]

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Flirting Skill Level - 100%
Kissing Skill Level - 91%
Cudding Skill Level - 92%
Sex Skill Level - 100%
Why They Love You You have a way with words.
Why They Hate You You are too sexy.
This Quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 17922 Times.
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology and Horoscopes
3 comments|post comment

Something my brother wrote... Thank you. [19 Jun 2004|03:34pm]
[ mood | uber ]

If you are easily offended or judgemental, then DO NOT READ THIS. If you are suicidal, well, just don't take it too seriously. Something to think about.

Okay, it might not seem like it, but I am cheerful. Really, I am. But there something that has just been getting on my nerves. Not necessarily pissing me off because for something to piss me off, it has to be substantial. Now you might get about 6 more sentences and be like "oh this is fucked up, fuck him!" No. Keep reading.

First, this issue with people wanting to kill themselves. Give them my number and tell them it's a hotline for them to talk to people with. When I answer, and I will answer, I will not tell them that everything is going to be fine and that they need meds because first of all, if you are calling a hotline, chances are, you are having second thoughts. Why else would you have called someone? Oh my god it twists the brain!

Secondly, I will encourage them to slash/choke/overdose or whatever they need to do to be taken out of the gene pool. There are entirely too many fucked up people in the world as it is and we could do without one more. I'm not saying that people that are depressed or want to kill themselves are bad people and they should die but the ones who use others and threaten to kill themselves, yeah, those are the fuckers i'm talking about. "Hey, I need attention! Look at me! I'm gonna jump/shoot/swallow/drop/cut!" Good. Do it. Quit wasting our time and fucking do it you filthy waste of life.

There are millions of miserable people out there with worse lives in worse circumstances who wish they could have had someone to call but they don't and here you are, calling us, threatening your own life because you got picked last for the dodgeball team. You know what, fuck off. Here you want to slit your wrists? Let me help. I'll hold your hands down and I'm sure I can find another person to actually make the cut. You don't want to miss anything important do you? I mean, you do really want to kill yourself dont you? Oh... oh... so... you just... Oh I get it.... You are a selfish piece of ass that needs to be excised from society so you are doing us all a favor? Well then. What are you waiting for? WHY ARE YOU CALLING PEOPLE!!! If you think no one cares, then why waste your goddamn cell phone minutes! You're paying 70 bucks a month for people that "don't care." Get over it. "People don't care about me and they won't miss me." That's wonderful. Wait to ruin it all for us. Here we were just itching for you to go and BAM you call. What the fuck. You need help? Is that what it is? You need a shoulder to cry on? An ear to listen? Then fucking say so.

Say "Hey, listen, I'm going though some rough shit and I don't think I can handle it. Would you terribly mind talking to me? Or just listening?" I'd say 90% of people don't even want help they just want someone to listen. If that's the case just ask for it. I'll gladly listen. I don't mind at all. I'm out of a job plus I could use a decent conversation every now and then. Sure I'll listen.

But don't you fucking dare even think about calling me, and threatening to take your life you if I won't listen because I will give you that hotline number that got disconnected along with your self-control, self-worth, and decency. Which reminds me. Now at the Jersey Turnpike toll they accept nickels, dimes quarters and your integrity. :) But seriously, if you need help, do it in the right way. Don't put the responsibility you can't handle on someone elses shoulders because you are having a rough time. Imagine how they will feel once you do that to them. "If you dont help me, I'll do it." --- "Okay, okay, now that I've wasted your time, gotten your attention, let me warn you, this will become a regular thing for whenever I feel down. Thanks again, oh and sorry about the shafting I just gave you. But hey, it's nothing personal, we're friends right?"

It is this sort of inconsiderate shit that just bothers me. Sure, I've had suicidal tendencies. Hell, I've even had that stare off with the bottle of meds I shouldn't take more than two of and ended up with about 24 in my hands about to drop all of them down when my phone rang. I didn't call anyone. I was right there. And then the person on the other end noticed the tone of my voice and just listened to me. Just listened. No special advice. Nothing said. Just listened. For me that was enough to get me to think twice.
Then I remembered what I had been through. Turns out the reason I wanted to kill myself and the reason I chose to not were the same thing. The shit I had been though. The shit had been through was the reason I wanted to end it. End the pain and anguish and agony.

However, the same shit that I wanted to kill myself for, kept me going. I said "Wait wait--- I just went through and survived all of that shit, all that shit that could have killed me, and now I'm going to kill myself? What the fuck sense does that make?!? I survived a stabbing and now I'm going to kill myself?" What sense does that make?
No sense. No sense at all. Next time you want to hurt yourself, think about what made you feel that way. Then see if that is worth dying for. $100 says it's not. You already made it this far through it, why not wait it out and beat it?

Show some fucking composure. Show some human spirit. We all have it. The answer lies within you. You just have to dig a little deeper.

I'm sorry about this. I just had to get it out.

Here's something that makes me think...Collapse )
4 comments|post comment

Face First [15 Jun 2004|05:46pm]
[ mood | amused ]

If you were to fall from a building, as you're decreasing altitude and
increasing speed... would you hit the earth face first?... would you
try to land on your feet.. would you try to break the fall with your
shoulder? Would you turn away from the ground and look at the sky or
the building you're falling from? Would your Eyes be open or closed?
Me? I'd have my eyes open, and id go face first... kind of... I'd put
my arms in an X shape infront of my face in high hopes of not ruining
my face so i can be presentable for an open casket party. Aha.

I want to watch Adaptation tonight, I hope I do if I'm not lazy enough.

Futher more, Andy Nelson told his Dad that I'm a Pot head and so his
Dad doesnt want his kids to be near me.. I havent toked up since
december (excluding HFStival). So how'am I a bad kid? Aha I really
don't get why so many people think I'm some sort of trouble-starter or
delinquint or whatever the hell you want to call it; the stereotypical
hardcore badass.

Well, I just wanted to show Nathan (is that his name?), Andy nelson's
little brother my drawings cause he wanted to see'em so I told him I'd
meet him at the koe's pic-nic table after school. Anyway.
School is almost over. Two more Days. I was out all weekend, I missed
hanging out with kyle like I was looking forward to. I regret being out
so much, then again, I wish they'd have called my cell phone. Oh well,
more for the future I suppose.

The BloodBrothers' show is on July 12th, I have to make it. I missed
the Rasputina show last sunday: much regret. They don't tour often,
they're fairly hard to catch. I didn't know Jack Johnson is having a
show September 17th, I better tell my brother, I'm sure he'd love to go
(meaning he'd give me the ride I'd need).

Something I wanted to go over was that I hate the general persona that
a lot of people have of me. Theres lots of Attention drawn towards me,
always. I don't do anything to get that much attention, I usually dont
talk unless spoken to, I dont dress too weird, I'm certainly not loud
too often, I don't cause much trouble, I don't do anything to draw
attention towards myself...but...

I'm far too well-known through out the school. Hmm, is there anyone who
doesn't know who I am? Anyone at all? Nope. Not a single person. And it
wasn't JUST because of the arrest.. I mean, how could people know who
was arrested if they didnt know who i was before hand? "oh, that kid
with long black hair." The arrest just made it "That kid with long
black hair, named Marvan." and put a lot of heat on me. I really hate
how so many people think that I'm buddy-buddy with everyone, that I'm
real popular (in a very unconventional way of course, definently not
the typical-football-player-popular).
Its kind of annoying, cause in all honesty, I really don't like many people, I hate a lot of people, I hardly talk to anyone, I hardly like anyone, why are all eyes on me so
much? it can get a little bothersome because I hate it when I'm judged
before known. Oh well, thats their problem. not mine.

Actually, I hate most people I know. And believe it or not, the people
I dont hate happen to be people who I dont talk to as much as I should.
They're just people who I like because I already know everything about
them and they're ok. So, I divided my buddylist into two categories...

I haven't
fully decided who's "ok" yet but thats the majority. Matiss is going to
come over real soon, so I'm going to go get ready to see him.

"Senseless breeding creates senseless people." This statement can go
fuck itself. Why? Because it's misleading, read it correctly. Most
people when reading it, think of "senseless breeding" as sex, which
only sometimes leads to creating people. So, putting aside the
misleading text, it means Trying to make a baby with out thinking about
it creates senseless people.

So just because The Parent's of the child are senseless that means that
the child will be too? Perhaps! Perhaps the child will be just like its
parents but thats surely not all, the child could see his/her parent's
mistakes and learn from them and be FAR from "senseless." So I'll say
it again: "Senseless breeding creates senseless people" can go fuck
itself. The End.

2 comments|post comment

I dont read Cosmo [11 Jun 2004|05:42pm]
Fuck You
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[08 Jun 2004|10:52pm]
I'm tired.
I missed the Broken Spindles show on last sunday.
I'm going to go see Rasputina next sunday.
I'm bored and tired, I need to make my clothes soon, I've been procrastinating
Mr.VanSant was fired or suspended and now we have to do work because we have a substitute. It always pisssed me off how everyone gave him a hard time, i mean, sure he can be a prick but thats only because you're pissing him off, or else he never made us do ANY work, we just sat around and he talked. That was a lot more enjoyable than having a sub giving us shitloads of work.
Foods was boring, that teacher hates me like no other.
I lounged around in Latin, I failed the class for the year. So I'm going to do nothing even more, which lead to me peircing my lip five times for the sheer thrill of it.
Not just did i get a kick out of it but the way people would react was also interesting; the people who were fascinated by it, the people who were disgusted by it, the people who were Xed by it. It just tells you a little more about a person and I wouldnt mind running into an interesting person.
I was walking by the lobby during lunch when I thought I saw Lauren walkng out of a bathroom so we were 'properly' introduced so to speak. I hope first impressions dont mean shit cause i was totally sloppy today. I was wearing my wife beater and pants. Wait... I usually do just end out wearing my wife beater and pants, I guess I just felt slobbish, which now that i think about it, I did. I dont get enough sleep.
Anyway, 4th period was just Algebra as always.
Since i already took that class once and know all the material, Ms Mitchell asks me to help other students and so I usually go help Seth (norwood) cause he doesnt do shit but occaisionally spaz out.
Its ok helping seth cause we usually dont even do that much work, but enough and in a manner to impress ms mitchell. Usually we do stupid shit like play with cicadas, throw spitballs at people, throw stuff in general at people, and sometimes just listen to music. One time I had hair gel and a comb with me (fuck you) and we put it on seths desk and told him to pretty himself up and the teacher lady got pissed because seth really doesnt have any hair to begin with and whatever.
Today I poked a hole in a water bottle and squirted people across the room (yes, it really squirted that far).

The bus ride had bumps. As usual. One of my headphone speakers doesnt work. i hate headphones, they always... ALWAYS in one way or another, get fucked up.

Sex, Fucking, Make eh Love, whatever you will; I think I probabley will in the near future. Not that I havent before (ohhhhh man have I fucked a lot) but i gave it a rest for a while, so this may be slightly significant.

I've always wanted to end something with a quote, 'funny how my first will be this insignificant online journal entry. Hmm.
"The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate your life now"- Angelina Jolie
3 comments|post comment

Societys Ills by Joe [06 Jun 2004|06:28pm]
"this was sparked by biking around town today..
you know what i'm getting really sick of? everyone with their retarded 'tricked-out' cars. seriously everywhere i go, some jackass has a big fat straight pipe on their tiny ass honda. and you listen to the street racer kids talking 'yeah man i just ordered this one part blah blah blah it cost me 3000 bux but i have 3 more horsepower so its totally worth it man, that'll transtlate into me going like 2 mph faster' and really, whats the point in the end? you can't legally drive your car all fast like these parts allow you to, you'll get busted for speeding (and i think now they have some street racing law to top it off) and you're endangering the lives of other people just trying to get around by you zipping through traffic at 90+ mph. and you know what else bothers me about it? the fact that so many of these kids are in their teens, and have some 2004 acura (or whatever) that their parents bought them. i have a 93 protege, and im grateful as all fuck to have it. but then you got these ungrateful twits, "yeah my parents are douchebags, i wanted to get a mitzu lancer evo, but theyd only spend 25,000 on a car for me, god i hate them" fucking twits. die. and i hate the fact that only after fast and the furious came out EVERYONE started doing it. you're not cool, you're not fucking impressing anyone really. i mean seriously, do these people really get their jollies from trying to impress all sorts of people they dont know? 'hey man check me out, im waiting at this light so im gonna put it in neutral and slam on my gas so you can hear my car growl, DON'T I ROCK!! LOOK AT MY NOS STICKERS DUDE!' call me a square or whatever, but i don't think it's cool, it's fucking retarded. it'd maybe be a somewhat different story if it was a really fast car to begin with, like a camaro or something.. but people try to do it to everything. i've seen honda accords and civics, chevy cavaliers, toyota camarys, various saturns, all tweaked out. dont they realize how extremely rediculous it looks to have a car like that with a foot and half tall spoiler on their trunk?

you know what else i'm insanely sick of?
fucking SUVs. you know it'd be one thing if you used it like an SUV, hauled shit and offroaded and what not. but everyone uses it as just a car, just a way to get around. more importantly, as a sign of status, cuz we all know if you're driving an escalade, you're better than everyone else. so many people who drive them dont know what the fuck theyre talking about, they'll claim 'oh well i bought it as a nice safe vehicle for my family' ..do you realize it doesn't get much more unsafe than an SUV? it's built off a truck frame, theres *no* crush zones. meaning, in a head on collision, none of that impact will be absorbed by your frame, it will all transfer into the cab, and you'll go flying for your windsheild. couple that with the higher stance equating into a high likelihood of roll-overs, you're driving death on wheels. i hate the fact that with how fucking huge they are, NO ONE else on the road can see what the fuck is going on at an intersection. i can think of plenty of times driving where i'm pretty much making a turn blindly because i can't see around some giant SUV. fucking die you yuppie pigs. i hope you shitheads enjoy our 2.18/gal gas prices. it makes me smile to think you're spending 40-50 bux to fill your tank, only to get maybe 200 miles out of that tank.

continuing the whole theme of driving, i hate these assholes who sit around on their cell phone while they drive. pay attention to the road, not a mindless conversation with your friend. i just hate assholes on their cell phone to begin with. its not the idea of them having it, that doesn't really bother me. not my cup of tea, but to each his own. its the fact that in the middle of a fucking movie you get called and loudly 'OH HEY MAN WHATS UP? im at the theater watching some mindless hollywood high-budget pile of shit, blah blah blah' you should die. as do you assholes who do that at concerts.

speaking of hollywood, the movies that come out these days are just worse and worse. it baffles me to no end, how some idiotic movie like 'you got served' can make millions. seriously, a fucking movie about breakdance competitions? what the fuck. and then you got pretty much any movie with vin diesel and it's guaranteed to be big bucks. he's gotta be the worst actor i've ever seen, his movies rank amongst the most awful movies ive ever seen (i want those two hours of my life back that were wasted by watching XXX) but the public would rather see some dolt spout of retarded one-liners and see countless explosions, instead of see a work of art, something that might actually *gasp* make them think. but heaven forbid we do that. idiots.

music is just as bad. everything has such a carbon copied manufactured sound. pop icons are so immensely fake, inside and out. you got your 'pop divas' with their songs written and produced entirely by their record company, the 'artist' is just the eyecandy of it all. not to mention that record company paid for their botox injections, face lift, boob job, and any other plastic surgery deemed necessary to make you shine like the star you are. and the fact that everyone buys into it boggles the mind. you got your shows like american idol where they find the new 'superstar' and just because they won, all of a sudden everyone is like OMG!!! THEY R LIEK SO GOOD I GOTTA BUY THEIR CDZ! but then again, with proper marketing anything can be profitiable. and this doesn't apply to just your standard pop, its litterally every genre. nu-metal is just the same shit, but it's something the so-called 'anti conformists' can buy into. you cant honestly tell me any of it sounds much different, just mindless repetion of the same 3 chords on their 7-string guitar tuned in drop-b or some insanely low tuning. so much of it is so gimmicky too, like slipknot. 'HEY DUDES WE GOT MASKS AINT WE MYSTERIOUS?!' no, you look like an idiot. you sell your records by a old boring gimmick, you merchandise everything under the sun, you guys are just all around awful. this so called 'punk rock' is no different. its all the same formula. you cant honestly say new found glory sounds any different from simple plan. theyre just boybands in a different package.

onto another thing, these kids who try so desperatly to be as scene as they possibly can. they find an image they want to be and they do their damndest to try and match it perfectly. they go on hottopic.com with mommy and daddy's credit card, and let them tell them what is 'scene' and sell you what basically are kits of how to be 'punk' or 'goth' or 'indie' it's fucking idiotic, just be yourself. yes im aware some of the things i do, how i dress, etc. could be considered various 'scene' stuff, but at least im not desperately clinging to some one given scene. i'm just being what i feel is me. i'm not sitting here in my slipknot shirt with my hair dyed jet black, complaining about how i hate myself and want to die. nor am i sitting around with my spikes, and trucker hat wearing the shirt of some punk band i think is totally 'underground' and tweaking my mohawk, while having an anti-everything philosphy and talking about how great anarchy is. im just being me. i'm sitting around in shirts of bands i like (not giving a shit if it's 'too mainstream' of music or not) and just believing what i want. realizing life may take a shit on you sometimes, but knowing things'll get better. that's another thing, you have these kids who just seem to wallow in their depression. they sit around feeling like shit, telling everyone that will listen about how 'awful' everything is. thinking everything is shit, nothing will ever get better. these same kids do next to nothing to try and feel better. it's one thing if youre a close friend and you honestly need someone there to help you through rough times. it another thing if youre someone i barely know, constantly whining about life, fishing for sympathy. just begging for me to pretend i give a shit about it. fuck off. instead of telling someone you barely know about some boy that doesnt like you, and how that makes you hate yourself and want to die, go out and do something about it. try to make yourself feel better.

all this being said, ive spent about the last hour and a half writing this, i'm tired and i need sleep."- www.livejournal.com/users/zerosoma

Thanks Joe.
Its been a while since I've posted. I dont really feel like talking right now. Peace out, cub scout.
5 comments|post comment

NMH and POTS [19 May 2004|10:15pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Last night I watched Evil Dead. Then later I watched The Evil Dead II... aha, Its practically the first one all over again, just sillier.. I'm going to watch Army Of Darkness cause I borrowed the series from Kevin Good.

This morning I woke up and hit the shower. Not for long, because I started getting a head rush. Usually, when you get head rushes its just when you get up too fast, well, this time, it was delayed, and i struggled to get the shampoo out of my hair before I get out and hit the floor. Ahahaha, i've been experiencing stronger head rushes for the past 6 months. Anyway, I accomplished getting to my room and slipping on some clothes and then hitting the bed before i passed out again, i felt it really strong, and it kept coming everytime i tried to stand on my feet, so for the most part i remained on the ground.

A week from now I'm going to johns hopkins to get a Tilt test. Some sort of test that will define if it is Blah-Disease. If its not, than I'm getting a cat scan to see if the veins up there are too small, or if its a brain tumour.

If it was a brain tumour, i would eat it. But its not.

As I do every wednesday, I went to my home-town, Westminister to.. Go To Cofee Music, Record and Tape Traders, and Hoffmans Icecream. I didnt have my contacts in, but when i went in, I swear there was a girl in front of me that I recognized, fucking contacts. Anyway, Hoffmans has like, the best icecream... EVER!

I watched some Trigun and Cowboy bebop on TV the other night, I hate how much better they are on DVD, and i sometimes i want to kill people. But thats besides the point, I'm thinking of what to buy this year at Otakon and how much mulah (money) to bring. Last time, 2002, I brought 400 and used most of it. This time, I won't be able to save up that much, but I wonder what I'll even want to buy/be able to. I waaaaaaaant....
-Escaflowne (series not movie, have the movie)
-Cowboy Bebop: knockin on heavens door (Ive seen it, 'just want it)
-Whatever else there is thats good and cheap

Though over the past two years, I've acqiured a stealing skill, I'm contemplating whether or not to put it to use here. the only ANIME, i've taken is a Hellsing Boxset, and some Berserk, and I could manage a lot more at a Con...or could I? mmm
Oh well, whatever,

Bruce Campbell vs The Army of Darkness...here i come.

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Dream Theater [16 May 2004|04:58pm]
[ mood | bored ]

A change of seasons. Its a... good album.

I ate hair gel.

Its hard to swallow.

I feel sick.

I'd puke, but it's funnier this way. Six days till The Cure..

HFStival is a pretty shitty concert with a lot of shitty bands but this year... The Cure is there, Cypress Hill is there, Modest Mouse is there, and The Offspring is there.

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Lonely People [15 May 2004|01:13am]
"The internet is for lonely people"-charlton H

I love talking with people. Erin(excuse me if I spelt it wrong, there are a lot of ways to spell the name) is one of the few people who i enjoy talking to. We don't talk too often, but when we do, we tend to know exactly what the other is talking about when describing something indescribable.. when discussing concepts and theories and philosophies and life in general, everything. I like Erin, I regret not getting around to socializing with her any other time than our late night internet sessions. I might change that soon, I hope to, we'll see what happens. Speaking of people I like, I talked to Kyle today.

Kyles an interesting person I know through Sarah.
Sarah, sarah is...well...


so uh...how about that weather?
Anyway, shes talked about kyle a lot over time. I was intrigued. Then after a while, kyle heard about me through sarah too, and then through Sarah again, we reached eachothers online diary's. Leaving comments back and forth went on as our only way of communication till today when he sent me an instant message, it was neat to talk to him. He wasn't on for long, so we didnt get to talk about too much..covered the aspects of average conversations and a winch more. Its interesting how much more you can enjoy the same conversation of the same length when its with someone else.

The guy whos adding the bricks to our house is cool. We talk about rock and roll, i go out there and just talk with him when i get bored. We came across a few cicadas. I think by the time the sun rises (its past midnight now) that there will be a lot more. Double the amount of today, and not like a fuckin swarm, just ...more. aha (obviously). Cicadas, what a cliche simple, typical predictable topic to talk about. Im curious to eat them, even though I think pessimistically of it, I think itll be funny afterwards when i watch the tape (because ill record it) with some buddies. Steve says that we should, whoever else wants to, feel free, theres plenty to go around.

i took out one of my contacts, it was really bothering me, and i would just take out the other and put on my glasses but i left them on the bus. Tomorrow (technically today, since its 1:35 AM) Saturday, I will go to this farm for community service so i get my charges dropped off of me.
15 hours of working on a farm. Im not too excited. I wonder if these fucking (no pun intended) Cicada (cicada sounds fine plural with out an "s") encourage or discourage me from doing the service. I may be entertained by them, and I may pussy out and flip, which in a sense is also entertaining, but oh well, whatever.

I'm listening to Expo 86 by Death Cab for Cutie. Today, my music has been composed of "Iron and wine" and "Death cab for cutie," they're really good. Kevin Good, a new friendly acquantence is burning me some Pixies, i'm burning him some stuff too.

I bet this is boring you.
Oh well, I think I'm going to sleep.

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The Darkest Country Road [13 May 2004|11:42pm]
Iron and Wine. Not right now, because the death cab ran over that cutie! I'm so ungodly corny. I'm so corny, I'm off the cob! even more corny! Yeah I'm shutting up about that.

Today, nothing extravegant. I stayed after school. Adam and I walked down to Sharp rd (just to get off school property) and met up with a handful of people, smoking (since they've patiently waited 7 hours with out one...due to...being at school..or some not, but whatever).
Charles, Jamel, Madison, Morgan, and a bunch of others were looking for pot.
We called Sterling, he said he might be able to help, but i asked him to pick me up anyway, so he picked adam and I up and we chilled at his house till 8. Some people stopped by, like Derek, Alex (some prick who graguated last year), and Brittany.
Me and brittany stayed at Sterlings house as they temporarily left to go pick up some weed for themselves (forgetting and neglecting Charles), they came back and toked.
I didn't take any hits, I wasn't even tempted. It's been...five months? It wasn't appealing. At all.
My case was just closed yesterday, so I would feel guilty if i had done it, I dont know why it matters to me if I had some, probabley just cause I let and tell myself not to. Oh well, the second hand smoke was enough for flash backs of old times.
I thought of when Matiss, Steve, and I flew.
I thought about being in Georges car with Adam and some other people I want to kill.
I thought about when me and Steve toked in my room, when my dad and granny were home.

Being at Sterlings makes me forget, I like being there. I don't care, I'm laid back, I forget everything behind me...everything in the past, my whole life. I just a different life. With different People. Of different ages. That life, is composed of more drugs, more driving, more alchohol, more maturity, and people with more character. Though I dont live that life as often anymore, maybe i will. maybe not. Whatever, I get sick of a lot of people anyway.

Death Cab for Cutie - We looked like Giants
...This is a great CD, though I'm putting in some Dream Theater..
Dream Theater's Change of seasons. Interesting CD.

I'm talking to Erica on the phone. She was depressed, bitchy and down. She called after she cleaned her room and took a shower. She's more uppity, livlier, happier. I'm glad shes not feelin so down.

my mom doesnt want me up. boo hoo. Ta
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Leech Peach [11 May 2004|11:21pm]
Emotion sucks. You pay for your happiness in tears. You pay for your sadness in hapiness. Simple. After the dark night comes a brighter day. The more good we feel, the more bad we feel.

or as I like to say it 'The brighter a light shines, the darker its shadows cast' or something like that.

So sometimes i try dimishing my pain by not feeling anything at all, including happiness, that ways I dont feel sadness. I did that for a while. Now I'm lonely, and I feel a lot more pain than I accounted for. I even...wanted to feel the pain. Fuck not feeling, and fuck feeling. We'll never be free.

Love sucks, and I hate my soft spot. Sure its not love, its hardly a friendship, but its a soft spot, potential, a spark that I'm hiding, extinguishing, or at least telling myself that (with the philosophy that what you believe is your reality).

I cleaned my room, I guess I'm content, though I dont feel accomplished (as i usually do after cleaning it). Hm, oh well. I want to go practice Love Song on my guitar, but I dont feel like it, Ill leave that for tomorrow.

Joe sent me a movie of Hitler eating a watermellon during one of his speeches. For some stupid, ungodly reason...its funny.

I want to hang out with Kyle sometime.

I dont know why I'm listening to Eminem, but I've been listening to him all day. Aha. I met the lead singer of Opiate for the Masses, they're an awesome band. They played before Orgy did. I never heard of them before the concert, but i boguht both of their CDs for 10 bucks. I saw a guy and said hi to him at that concert. The other day I decided to listen to the CD, and i looked at the picture of them on the case, and I realized that it was Him. They're really good, I'm surprised theyre so...unheard of.
Though I'm sure that 'Opiate for the masses' sounds awfully familiar to you, let me inform you that its part of a Karl Marx quote, so I doubt its the band that youve heard of. Ha, aha.

They're kind of NIN-ish, kind of Manson-ish, kind of Orgy ish meets linkin parkish. Yeah, thats a bad description, but who are you? fuck you. and fuck jerry lou too.(sorry, ICP).

I have nothing to do or write about.. I dont think so. I kind of want to write about some problems next time (and make that picture entry). I dont know, whatever.

Peace out, cub scout.
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Chemicals control me [11 May 2004|12:22pm]
[ mood | meh, fair i guess. ]

Finally I got my anti-depressents. I was off of them for a month or two. I went off of them because they were too weak, so they took me off of them for while so it leaves my system, and thus allows me to have something new and improved. Im feeling a little btter, this is the best I've felt in the past two months (even though its not even that good, its just... close to feeling alright. boo hoo poor me).

The Orgy concert was amazing. Now I will probabley be transfering schools from Glenelg High School to Riverhill High. I do, and don't want to. I do because its a fresh start, new people. I don't because of the same reason, and I don't beacause I'll miss Glenelg and all the people I know there. I dont want to leave those people, you know, friends who you're friends with, but just not enough to hang out often.

Love sucks, and I have a weak spot. Sometimes I start feeling for her, I try killing and cutting it off, sometimes it doesnt work. It doesnt make sense, I can control my emotion but those times i just dont want to stop. Now and then, thats what happens. I think I don't like it.

Recently I've been really lonely.

In a scary way.

I've been secluding myself from everyone and everything around me recently, but then I became weak, tired, hopeless, jelous, depressed and desperate. It's strange. I want to be with them now, lonliness sinks me into self-pity. It makes me feel broken hearted. To the point of which I did not even want to control my emotion. I know I can, you know I can, but I didn't want to, I wanted to be sad, I wanted someone else make me happy. I wanted that messiah, that savior that person who comes and saves you from yourself. It's that pathetic phase that we all fall into every now and then. I think I'm leaving that phase, I'm trying to make plans to hang out with friends, and these happy-pills (anti-depressants) are contributing to my will power, interest, and energy. Slowly, faintly, but they are.

I hope I can go to Record and tape traders tomorrow after guitar lessons, I want to buy Iron and Wine but the westminister store doesnt have it.
So I'm thinking maybe Broken Spindles - Fulfilled/Complete, or maybe Bright Eyes - Story is in the soil EP, or the Bright Eyes cd with the mirror thing on it, whatver its called. I also wanted to get Black Wave Arcade by The Faint, or Cursive's Domestica.
You know, I also want to get Dr.Dre's chronic, and chronic 2001, and eminem's Marshall Mathers LP (great CD, and mine is scratched) or Marilyn Manson's Mechanical Animals, or Portrait of an American Family.
I also want to get some stuff by the Pixies, Team Sleep..I want the Death Cab for Cutie CD, i listend to it, its pretty cool if you like indie-ish stuff.
Oh, I need Silverchair's Neon Ballroom. I need Radiohead's Kid A, and OK computer (i lost mine!). I want Belle and Sebastian's Boy with an Arab strap.
You know, I want a Son, Ambulance CD, theyre pretty cool, oh, and some Sigur Ros too.
I need to get Hate Crew Deathroll by Children of Bodom, it's been a while since I got any Death Metal, hehe.
I want to check out Echo and The Bunnymen, I have one of their songs which was in the movie Donnie Darko, its called "The killing moon" and its really cool. Theyre almost like Blue Oyster Cult but not really.

I've lost my White Pony and Adrennaline from the Deftones, I need to get them again sometime, but I'm not in a rush for them (no offense deftones, i still heart you).

I need the cure's wish. I've got galore, disintigration, kiss me kiss me kiss me, wild mood swings, boys dont cry, and bloodflowers. Any suggestions besides Wish?

Some fatigue kicking in, I'm going to leave. good'day

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Court. [11 May 2004|12:15pm]
We didn't go to Trial. Instead, we made a deal with the prosecuters: 15 hours of community serivce and an apology letter for in return the four charges on me will be dropped.
I could have gone Trial and gave it a whirl, and perhaps won and gotten the charges clear with out community service, but we met the judge, and he hated me. From that moment i knew that the odds were against me. I would also need my witnesses, so we asked the judge for a later trial, so we can gather my witnesses.
He said Yes.
And it could be re- scheduled to 2 o'clock.
It is ridiculous, we cant contact a classroom full of people and their parents and pick them up before 2 (they still have school too!) and be able to drop them off, ect. So I would have lost if i went took the Trial, so i just went thru with the 15 hours of community service and a written apology plan.
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Court [10 May 2004|07:18pm]
I have to go to court tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
I want to get my fucking meds, i wonder when my Ma will be home.
I'm making plans. Hoping to go through with them.

the end.
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